How many times can one person fall apart?
That's the question I used to ask when I would find myself like I did last week sitting on my porch, tears streaming down my face.
It wasn't one thing. It was a lot of things that felt heavy and sad. Again.
Not like the depression I experienced when I was 30. That was you-need-help-now debilitating.
This every-once-in-a-while experience is different.
Sometimes these moments can feel too much still. Too much in the sense that allowing myself to fully feel all of it scares me. The sadness. The frustration. The anger. The despair. What if I 'fall apart' again?
What I've learned in all these years though is that when I do allow myself to feel whatever feelings scare me or feel uncomfortable, or make me feel almost unbearably sad or angry, they actually tend to move through me instead of getting stuck. They pass more quickly and if...if...if...I am open to it, I learn something from them. Mostly I learn that I'm okay. Right now, in the midst of seemingly falling apart, when I'm sitting on my porch with those tears, feeling overwhelmed and sad and hopeless, I'm okay. It's all okay.
I used to think I wasn't okay in these moments. There must be something wrong with me to feel so many ups and downs. To feel happy and hopeful one day and the very next day feel such sadness. Now, at 48 years old, I am understanding that I'm not broken. I'm okay. More than okay. I'm not really falling apart at all.
As a woman I have a rhythm. You have a rhythm. We are cyclical beings, different than men. Our cycles are tied to the moon and to the seasons. Changes and transitions are a given and when we embrace this truth and embrace our own natural rhythms, we can come into deeper love and acceptance for our own unique beauty and experience. We can embrace our own rhythm and know we are okay. More than okay.
Too often as women though we ignore our natural rhythm. We ignore our body's messages to slow down. to move. to nourish. to play. to connect. to sleep.
That's when our body and our mind and our spirit can feel like the enemy, like we really are falling apart. When we don't nourish ourselves with beautiful REAL food every day. When we force ourselves to move our body in a way that we hate or we don't move her at all. When we don't put ourselves to bed even though we are exhausted. When we put everyone else first and there's nothing left for us. This is when we fall apart and experience things like depression, constant fatigue, stuck weight, pain, anxiety, PMS, insomnia, and more.
My invitation to you and to me is this: stop resisting feeling. Stop resisting your own body's rhythm, even if it's out of sync right now. Instead allow yourself to feel what you feel and listen in to what your body is telling you she needs. Is it more nourishing food? Is it fresh flowers on your table? Is it getting to bed a little earlier? Is it more water? Is it a massage? Is it a slow flow yoga class or a kick-ass cardio session? Is it a girls' night out or a date night in with yourself? Is it a hug from your love? Is it a day of playing hooky from work or is it getting out and finding work you love?
Forget about the rules you have for yourself. Take a more feminine approach and tune in and ask yourself what you really need right now...better yet, ask what you really desire right now in this moment. It's not selfish. It's not weak. It's beautifully responsible and will help you get into our own perfect rhythm and be more at ease in your life.
So this morning, as I'm sitting at my kitchen table, sipping on my Cacao Tea, I'm thinking about how all of this living as a woman thing can be such a beautiful experiment if we allow ourselves to let go of should and shouldn't, good and bad. It's all a beautiful messy experiment and we get to tune into our body and our spirit and try things and figure out what works for me and for you. No one-size-fits-all rules. No feelings of being broken. Instead let's choose...more pleasure. More feeling. More rhythm. More acceptance. More self-love.
And in case you're interested in my Cacao Tea, here's how I've been enjoying it most mornings:
- 2 tsp. Bulletproof Cacao Tea (which is high quality cacao nibs with all their nutritional goodness) seeped in 1 cup boiling water. The water is then blended with...
- 1 Tbsp. Bulletproof Brain Octane (or you can use coconut oil for your Friendly Fat)
- 1-2 tsp. organic grass-fed butter (Friendly Fat!)
- 1 scoop Bulletproof Upgraded Collagen (Powerful Protein)
- 5 drops or so of liquid stevia (You could use another REAL sweetener but I like that stevia doesn't spike blood sugar or insulin; start with 3 drops and taste, adding more one drop at a time.)
- a pinch of unrefined sea salt
- a sprinkle or two of cinnamon but only if you like cinnamon
- a small splash of REAL vanilla but only if you like vanilla :)
I've been drinking this as a hot tea, but I've also blended in ice and that's yummy too. You can always bump up the Friendly Fat by adding full-fat milk or coconut milk. That would likely fuel you all morning long which is awesome if your desire is to release weight.
Play with this recipe and see how you like it. If you're a coffee drinker, substitute organic coffee for the Cacao Tea and make your own REAL coffee drink that nourishes and fuels you. And if you're a mom of teens, let them try yours and if they like it, fuel them up on this instead of all the other crazy drinks they might be grabbing in the morning.
Remember there's no perfect. Keep experimenting with your one beautiful life and find your own rhythm.
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